If only…
If only I could leave today. If there was ever a case for work place bullying, this is it.
5 more days.
hopefully i won’t take someone’s head off by then.
like a bug on a windshield
It hit me yesterday. right between the eyes, as I was packing up my bathroom. Next week is the last week of my job. then the panic set in…I don’t have another job yet! And then the aimless feeling returned…where am I going with my life? what the heck am I going to do with myself?
All day today, that very strange reality has set in, even though it’s been nearly three weeks since i made this decision. and i am sitting with it, and strangely, I am at peace with it.
I made it to my mom’s. After nearly three hours with my dad, i was ready for a break. He went to find my brother to help move in stuff. they are back, i better get to bossing around.
Peace!
Leaving Professional Ministry-how I feel.
After 10 years of planning to go into professional ministry, training for professional ministry, or working in professional ministry, it is very odd to know that I am leaving that behind for awhile, if not forever.
I am sad. I love the relationships I get to make with kids. I have made so many close relationships with kids at my current parish, it is going to be hard to walk away from that. I love to tell kids about Jesus, and the good news of our Savior.
I am angry. At God mostly. and I know it is ok for me to say that. But I thought this is what I was supposed to do, what I was called to do, what God wanted me to do. But both of my jobs in professional ministry have been hard. really hard. Where i didn’t feel good about myself hard. where i had to go on anti-depressants hard. and it makes me mad, because if this is what I was called to, shouldn’t it be easier than this? where is God on my side in all of this?
I am excited though too. I am looking forward to just being a regular church member, and a volunteer. I am looking forward to expressing my views without thinking that they are a reflection of where I work. I am looking forward to not living in a fishbowl. To not looking over my shoulder 10 times when i go into a liquor store. I am looking forward to just being ok with me. I am excited to have time to pursue my interests, and I am excited not to work an average of 50-60 hours a week.
I know there is a plan in all of this. and probably in hindsight, it won’t look as bad as it does right now. but it is hard to be at this crossroads with all these conflicting emotions. I know that I need to take this time. and I am thankful I can take this time, and this risk to feel good about me again.
peace be with you, and hopefully it finds me!
A new title, a new chapter
well, it is time for a new chapter to begin in my life, but first, an update:
My leg and ankle are healing. I am tooling around the house now just on one crutch, though i am using 2 when i leave the house. hopefully by next Wednesday i will be out of the walking boot and in an ankle brace that will fit into a shoe.
So, my new chapter. Well, i quit my job. my last day is April 15. I don’t exactly have another job lined up yet, but I have faith that will come through soon. I am moving back to my hometown and renting from my mom, the upstairs of her house that she rented to college students before. I am looking for jobs like crazy this weekend. A lot of things brought this decision about. One, is i just started to doubt my ablities as a youth director, and as a person. Two, I felt like I was being verbally abused by my supervisor, and I didn’t want to take it anymore. Three, I heard a little voice in my head saying one night, Maybe you need to take care of you for awhile. So, I am excited, scared, nervous, anxious, happy, and at peace with the decision.
Part of this will be looking at going back to school. Not sure what for yet..Masters in Social Work, Masters in Education, Masters in Counseling, a 2-year RN degree, Chaplancy, who knows!
I am also looking forward to having time to pursue my interests. I will also be blogging more!
Today it is snowing, and that is no fun at all. Especially on crutches. I am ready for spring to arrive.
So, what is with the new title? Well, at 25, almost 26, I feel like I am changing courses midstream, and that life is at a crossroads like never before. This is definately not what I pictured for myself at 25. It should be interesting what comes my way.
Peace!
I broke myself
Ok, i thought i posted this a long time ago…it has now been a month since i broke my ankle and leg…
Wow, what a last 9 days it has been.
Last Tuesday, I was leaving a meeting and heading back to the church, when i slipped on the ice and broke my leg and ankle. i knew it was broken from the get go, i heard it as i went down. so, i was taken to the ER by ambulance, where after 90 minutes they told me i would need surgery. I was then taken by ambulance to a hospital an hour away, and then once there, transferred to another hospital for surgery and an overnight stay.
I broke the outside bone of my leg, near the bottom, and a bone in my ankle. In surgery, they put in a metal plate and 6 screws into my leg, and 2 screws and a pin into the inside of my ankle.
I hate this. I was home at my mom’s for a few days recovering, then went back to my place with my grandma. I met with my doctor again yesterday, and he recommended that I don’t go back to work for another week. So, I am back at my mom’s, where i don’t have to deal with stairs. I got a walking boot yesterday, which is much heavier than the splint I had on, and I have been in quite a bit of pain. I am hoping I get used to it soon!
Prayers for healing would be much appreciated. As prayers for where I am supposed to be going in my life. That is a whole other area of confusion for me right now.
Thanks, i will be back soon!
Quarter Life Crisis 