Yeah, you would want to live here too!

October 11, 2007 at 10:00 pm (Life) (, , )

Because i cleaned yesterday.

and i know, most people do this often.  and i do, especially my bathroom.  i hate a dirty bathroom.  but other rooms in the house get taken up by dirty clothes, books, magazines, and general clutter.

Tuesday night, i promised my mom that by the time she got home on wednesday, my place would be clean.  she is typically home around 6.  i did laundry, hung pictures, threw away a lot of garbage, sorted, scrubbed, wiped, vaccumed.  i also rearranged furniture.  all. by. myself.  and i am paying for it today with a sore back.  but really, who is supposed to do it for me?  my invisible boyfriend?  i think not.

At 5:15 i looked around, looked at my very shaken up cats, and sighed.  i was finished.  and it looked good, real good.  i took a shower, and sat.  and it still looks good today!

5:15 was definately the happiest moment of my day yesterday.

and my mom’s reaction? “oh, i want to live here too!”  excellent.

 now i just need to keep it that way!

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Lookin’ Good

August 24, 2007 at 10:52 pm (Life, reflections)

Do you ever have that day where you feel like you look freakin amazing? Today was one of those days. Seriously, the stars aligned, and I had good hair, good makeup, and good clothes all in the same day.

It probably helped that i got to wear jeans today, which are my favorite wardrobe item. On the friday after payday, we get to wear jeans if we donate $1 to the Children’s Miracle network. I can totally handle that! Good cause, and I get to wear jeans!

So i could feel myself happier, more confident, and more sure of myself today. I had a little bounce in my step. I love days like that. granted, it all fell apart about 7:30, but that is work stuff. Work was miserable today, and that is all I have to say about that!

I wish every day could be a good hair, makeup, clothes day. But, there is humidty, lack of time, and wrinkles to deal with. but i hope it happens again soon!

Peace!

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Did CBQ drop off the face of the earth?!?!?!

July 26, 2007 at 10:05 pm (Life)

Well yeah, pretty much. at least the face of the tech earth. and here’s why. as some of you know, the first half of 2007 blew. I broke my leg, quit my job, broke up with my boyfriend, moved home, been trampled on emotionally and mentally. So, I decided to take a break. and I survived. actually, it has been kind of nice. I have needed to, and continue to need to focus on me.

This summer has been healing emotionally, physically, and mentally. Physically, my ankle is healing still. But I am almost done with physical therapy, rarely limp, and really have stored my ankle brace. Emotionally, mentally, I have recieved great support from my family and people who love me. I have learned you really know who you can count on when your world falls apart. I have so many amazing people to count on. I have recieved affirmation that I am good at many things, which at the end of April, I really didn’t belive. After just a couple of weeks of finally working full time at Wal-mart (I had to go part-time for awhile because my ankle couldn’t take it), I was asked to apply for a supervisor position. I am training right now, and feeling more and more comfortable in my new role. and i really like it. and i get paid over $10 an hour. all good things. I am also more and more open to opportunites coming my way, and will soon be pursing more schooling, probably in nursing.

Now that I am back from my break, I probably won’t be around much the next couple of weeks. I am going to Iowa for the baptism of my cousin’s beautiful daughter this weekend, where I am going to be a godmother. So exciting! then I come back, work late 2 nights, and then go to We Fest. Then work for a few more days and go to the cities to see Les Mes. Then I should be done with trips, and hopefully my life will calm still more.

Hope this finds you all well. Peace!

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Is it better?

June 8, 2007 at 11:55 pm (family, Humorous, Life, reflections, relating my life to "Friends")

I need to start seeing that yes, things are getting better.  at least they have to be.  maybe they aren’t.  anyway, my last entry was really depressing, so I am trying to be more upbeat this time. So, an update.

  • Antidepressants:  I got some!  the dr. wants to see me again in 2 weeks, just to see how they are working for me.  on top of the depression, I have been having some anxiety issues (example:  Sunday night, I couldn’t fall asleep until 4 am) so he gave me something to take as needed for that.
  • Job stuff:  Ok, not gotten too far on that.  but, a new opportunity has arisen at a bank in town, where I know lots of people and so I am getting my resume in there.
  • Isolation: I am doing better!  I talked to my sister today, emailed my friend D a few days ago, and talked to E today, and I will probably see her tomorrow night since she is in town.  all good things.
  • God and Me:  hmm.  well, I did go to church.  and the NT reading was from Romans talking about how tough times build character and hope.  I felt like a 4 year old, becuase I really just wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and not listen to it.  Not quite ready for that yet. but i was there.
  • The Ross to my Rachel: You can read about that here if you don’t know what I am talking about.  Well, I still haven’t heard from him.  and I said when it all went down that I wouldn’t contact him, he had to contact me.  but guess what.  a girl needs closure.  so, i emailed him tonight, heart wrenching, i bawled my eyes out.  He of course, doesn’t need to know that.  I just put things so much better in writing than I ever could on the phone.  I am assuming that he is over it all, but i just needed to know for sure…we shall see what happens.
  • Oh, and just a funny story.  My mom and grandma were rummage saleing today.  My grandma says, “Wow, look at these really pretty plates, aren’t they nice?  Who do we know that has plates like these?” My mom looks at her, deadpan, “you do.”  I missed it, but it still makes me giggle!

So, overall, just another boring week in my life!!! oh, and a quick PT update: I am now standing on one foot, on foam, and throwing a 4 pound ball at a trampoline and catching it.  They apparently didn’t get the memo that I am ATHLETICALLY CHALLENGED. and yes, i am also spelling challenged.  and now, at nearly 1 am it is time to drag my very tired and aching body back to bed.  Good Night!

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Shoulds

June 2, 2007 at 10:47 pm (Life, reflections)

I am thinking tonight about all the “shoulds” in my life right now, and how many still just sit there, abandoned.  I am trying to figure out what, if anything, is holding me back from getting these things done. 

  • I should be blitz-mailing my resume out to anyone i think might hire me, but I keep dragging my feet, partly because i don’t know what I am qualified for.
  • I should be emailing, calling, talking to friends that i have avoided, or not talked to. (sorry, E, i suck!) i haven’t even talked to my own sister in 2 weeks!  I know that when I am depressed, I isolate, and i have been more depressed lately than i had been in a long time.
  • I should be talking to God more.  another person I am isolating from.  Part of it, honestly, is that I have been pissed at God for the crap storm my life has been lately.  and i feel like God has let me down.  I mean, i felt called at the age of 15 to go into ministry, and now that is gone, changed, and I don’t feel called to it at all right now.  Why couldn’t I have searched and looked through the options when i was in HS?  Why did God let me be so single minded?  why do i have to do it now when it is so much harder?  and really, it must make me mad, because i am crying right now as I am writing this.  I know I was supposed to take this path for a reason, but why is it all so damned hard?
  • I should be working on getting my life organized and finding a direction.  but that ain’t happening!

So, why am i not getting the shoulds on my list done?  I know part of it is depression.  I have no motivation, and most times I am too tired to move, but i sleep like crap at night.  I also know my self-esteem is really low right now.  I don’t feel like I am good at anything, even though people tell me what I am good at.  so it is hard for me to apply for jobs, think about my future, when I am just sure I will screw it all up again.  I am isolating also because i feel like a failure.  and it is really hard to talk to friends who are doing well, and even those who aren’t doing so well.  I have nothing to say to anyone anymore.  Seriously, i have no life, and I haven’t had motivation to do anything.  I am still really hurting from life right now.  And it has been great to be home, and be loved uncontionally, and surrounded by that every day.  that has helped so much.  but i know it is going to take me time to heal, and it probably, unfortunately, won’t be easy.

And wow, now i feel better since i wrote that down.  still sad, but it is good to have it out.

I am taking a step tomorrow, i am going back to church again.  i haven’t been in over a month.  I am still pissed at God, and I haven’t taken the time to hash it all out, and i don’t think i will do that tomorrow either.  but i know it will make my mom happy, and maybe somewhere there will be an answer for me.

I have the next 3 days off work.  Tomorrow I am going to graduations for kids in my old youth group.  Monday I am going to hopefully get some anti-depressants again.  I don’t have health insurance right now, so I am going up to the Health Center at the Reservation.  I haven’t used it before, well i mean, other than dental, so we shall see how that goes.  Tuesday I go see my orthopedic doc.  this will probably be my last appointment with him for 6 months.  I am also hoping to organize my craft stuff so I can make a ton more cards.  I am thinking that maybe later in the summer I will try to sell some.  If you know anything about starting your very own, very small business, like if there is anything legal or tax wise i should know, i would love the input.

Physical therapy is going well.  We did my progress report on Friday.  Lets see what I remember.  There are all kinds of official names, but i don’t remember many of them, and then measurements, though i don’t know what the kind of measurement they use is.  stretching my ankle back, I am at a 4…I started out at a 0, normal is 10-15.  my left ankle is at a 6 doing that, so both of my calves are tight.  Turning my ankle in, i am at a 25, i think i started at a 15.  turning out is a 7, that is the one we really need to work on. Pointing my toe, I am at a 51.  I started there at a 35, normal is between 55-60, my left is at a 65.  I am also able to stand on one leg for over 30 seconds, and I am working on standing on foam on my one leg.  So, my range of motion has greatly improved, and my swelling has really gone down.  i was pretty excited to see improvement.  it was nice!

Wow, ok, this has gotten really long, and it is almost midnight.  off to bed for me!

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10 Weeks Later

May 14, 2007 at 3:41 pm (Life)

Since they are less gross now, I thought some of you might be interested in seeing what I did to myself 10 weeks ago tomorrow!

The first picture is of my ankle, on the inside of my right leg. there I have a screw and a pin.  When my ankle broke, part of it came off and sat on my heel until surgery.

ankle-scar.jpg 

 

This is a picture of the outside of my right leg.  There is a metal plate and 6 screws in my leg.  but they didn’t have to cut through my tatoo!  I broke my fibula.

scar on outside right leg…location of the metal plate

My next goal is going to be trying to get a copy of my x-rays, because i think that would be very cool!

I am still trying to figure out how to put pictures in my blogs.  If you have any advice how to make it easier, I would love to hear it!

Peace!

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Flying poop

May 11, 2007 at 11:50 am (Life, relating my life to "Friends")

Imagine your are standing in a whirling vortex of flying poop.  ocassionally, it hits you in the head.  welcome to my life.

First off, I am depressed.  and depression sucks.  And I ran out of my meds, and I don’t have insurance, and I can’t get into the free Indian doctor until the 4th of June.  so here I sit, crying at freakin everything.  I hate it.  a lot.  it doesn’t help that poop keeps hitting me in the head.

So Wal-mart.  i hate it.  So, I got a note from the doctor to have a stool….hooray, then maybe i can walk at the end of the day.  Well, the other cashiers got all high school like, and said since i have a stool, they all should have one.  Sorry, I didn’t realize everyone had PINS, SCREWS, AND A METAL PLATE put into their leg just 2 months ago.  oh yeah, and supposedly, all I do is complain and raise hell so I can get a stool.  DUMB!!!!!!  So, needless to say, becuase i don’t have an “offical” disablility, i don’t get a stool, and my hours are being cut in half.  today is the first day of my half days.  we will see how it goes.  I am in the definate process of finding another job.  I am only blogging about my feelings about it, of course.  More poop hits me in the head.

And last weekend was a terrible bust.  the boyfriends car broke down, I am almost all the way to our meeting spot by the time i find out, we get in a huge arguement, and since he is so stressed, we are now taking a break until he is done with the school year.  like a not talking break.  I hate that too.  More flying poop, and I just can’t learn to duck.  But, we have also been there done that before, and I am hoping we can get everything resolved.  I miss him.  I think we are like Ross and Rachel in the way that we will always be it for each other.  at least I hope so.

So, needless to say, life keeps kicking me while I am down.  The Dr. says I am healing really well, that the pain I am having is normal.  I just wish it was over.  I am so tired of not being able to walk right, stand right, and being exhausted.

Flying poop ahead, i need to learn how to duck.

I bought a new camera, I am trying to figure out how to get my pics up….soon!

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Blechy

May 4, 2007 at 1:32 pm (Life, Work)

that would describe how i feel right now….blechy.  I worked this morning, went to lunch, and broke out into a cold, cold sweat.  plus, i am have some digestional issues, so i called in sick for the rest of the day.  I don’t know if it has to do with the fact that my feet hurt so bad I can’t concentrate on anything else or if i ate something funny.  i didn’t think it was a good idea to go back to work feeling so icky, especially since the front bathrooms are currently out of service.  So, I am going to shower and relax tonight, not walk much, because that hurts.

I got my car back today!  not sure what was wrong with it, but it is running like a dream right now.   makes me happy.

So here are some Wal-mart observations for you.

beer+personal lubricant+condoms.  How old do you think this customer would be?  any guesses?  well I have learned with this combination they are firmly over 60.  not.kidding, and kind of gross.

People without teeth are hard to understand.

I love little kids.  they make me happy and it is fun to talk to them.  by the time they get to me, they are usually crabby, hungry, want something, or all of the above.  So I get to try and cheer them up some and help the parents relax a little.  i love it.

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Massages, Pedicures, and Manicures=well being

April 28, 2007 at 10:25 am (Life)

I just got done with my massage.  I am loving life right now.  I think that massages should be required and paid for by insurance.  ok, wait, i don’t have insurance right now.  umm, well, they should be paid for someone other than me so I can get them more often!  Same goes for Manicures and Pedicures.  Maybe I should set up a fund for people to buy those for me.  Actually, pretty sure that won’t fly.  oh well.

I am going home to enjoy the sunshine.  Have a fantastic day!

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A sad day

April 24, 2007 at 8:08 pm (family, Life)

Well, I started at Wal-mart today.  its a job, good.  and actually, it will be pretty stress free i think.  but i am still a little wary about working somewhere where I will need to do a cheer.

Had kind of a tough emotional day.  First, i was feeling really kind of cruddy about myself.  The training drove me crazy, becuase it was really slow moving, and i felt like most of it was common sense.  I was getting down on myself about not having an acutal career.  I mean, i guess I feel like at 25, I should at the very least be using my degree.  I feel like my life has come to a standstill.  and I hate that.  a lot.  I like to have a plan.  I hate that i don’t have one.  I hate that I am not 100% yet and there fore can’t look for another job.  So i am driving home, and then my car craps out on me about a mile from home.   all of a sudden, the speedometer started going down, and it won’t go above 45 mph.  and, it sounds like crap.  so, into the shop it goes, but probably not til thursday.  frusterating. 

I got home, my dad came over to help me with the car, i cried it out and vented with my mom.  I also don’t think it helps that i ran out of my anti depressants.  and, i don’t have insurance right now, so i have to try and get an appointment up at the reservation.  and i don’t know what my work schedule looks like so i can’t do that yet.  so that is my vent for the day!

now, i am thinking about going to bed and reading.  i am tired and worn out, and all i did was sit all day.  and oh goody, i get to do the same thing tomorrow.

Peace!

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