June 2, 2007 at 10:47 pm (Life, reflections)

I am thinking tonight about all the “shoulds” in my life right now, and how many still just sit there, abandoned.  I am trying to figure out what, if anything, is holding me back from getting these things done. 

  • I should be blitz-mailing my resume out to anyone i think might hire me, but I keep dragging my feet, partly because i don’t know what I am qualified for.
  • I should be emailing, calling, talking to friends that i have avoided, or not talked to. (sorry, E, i suck!) i haven’t even talked to my own sister in 2 weeks!  I know that when I am depressed, I isolate, and i have been more depressed lately than i had been in a long time.
  • I should be talking to God more.  another person I am isolating from.  Part of it, honestly, is that I have been pissed at God for the crap storm my life has been lately.  and i feel like God has let me down.  I mean, i felt called at the age of 15 to go into ministry, and now that is gone, changed, and I don’t feel called to it at all right now.  Why couldn’t I have searched and looked through the options when i was in HS?  Why did God let me be so single minded?  why do i have to do it now when it is so much harder?  and really, it must make me mad, because i am crying right now as I am writing this.  I know I was supposed to take this path for a reason, but why is it all so damned hard?
  • I should be working on getting my life organized and finding a direction.  but that ain’t happening!

So, why am i not getting the shoulds on my list done?  I know part of it is depression.  I have no motivation, and most times I am too tired to move, but i sleep like crap at night.  I also know my self-esteem is really low right now.  I don’t feel like I am good at anything, even though people tell me what I am good at.  so it is hard for me to apply for jobs, think about my future, when I am just sure I will screw it all up again.  I am isolating also because i feel like a failure.  and it is really hard to talk to friends who are doing well, and even those who aren’t doing so well.  I have nothing to say to anyone anymore.  Seriously, i have no life, and I haven’t had motivation to do anything.  I am still really hurting from life right now.  And it has been great to be home, and be loved uncontionally, and surrounded by that every day.  that has helped so much.  but i know it is going to take me time to heal, and it probably, unfortunately, won’t be easy.

And wow, now i feel better since i wrote that down.  still sad, but it is good to have it out.

I am taking a step tomorrow, i am going back to church again.  i haven’t been in over a month.  I am still pissed at God, and I haven’t taken the time to hash it all out, and i don’t think i will do that tomorrow either.  but i know it will make my mom happy, and maybe somewhere there will be an answer for me.

I have the next 3 days off work.  Tomorrow I am going to graduations for kids in my old youth group.  Monday I am going to hopefully get some anti-depressants again.  I don’t have health insurance right now, so I am going up to the Health Center at the Reservation.  I haven’t used it before, well i mean, other than dental, so we shall see how that goes.  Tuesday I go see my orthopedic doc.  this will probably be my last appointment with him for 6 months.  I am also hoping to organize my craft stuff so I can make a ton more cards.  I am thinking that maybe later in the summer I will try to sell some.  If you know anything about starting your very own, very small business, like if there is anything legal or tax wise i should know, i would love the input.

Physical therapy is going well.  We did my progress report on Friday.  Lets see what I remember.  There are all kinds of official names, but i don’t remember many of them, and then measurements, though i don’t know what the kind of measurement they use is.  stretching my ankle back, I am at a 4…I started out at a 0, normal is 10-15.  my left ankle is at a 6 doing that, so both of my calves are tight.  Turning my ankle in, i am at a 25, i think i started at a 15.  turning out is a 7, that is the one we really need to work on. Pointing my toe, I am at a 51.  I started there at a 35, normal is between 55-60, my left is at a 65.  I am also able to stand on one leg for over 30 seconds, and I am working on standing on foam on my one leg.  So, my range of motion has greatly improved, and my swelling has really gone down.  i was pretty excited to see improvement.  it was nice!

Wow, ok, this has gotten really long, and it is almost midnight.  off to bed for me!


1 Comment

  1. Carol Ann said,

    Since we’re just getting to know each other through blogging…if you don’t mind me asking, what are you recovering from? My neice is in rehab right now recovering from a near fatal car accident. It’s a painful process! Hang in there!

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